So drunk its hurt
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
My day in three words: secret purse cake
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
