Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
