Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize