my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
