oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He has the fingertips of a God
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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