I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
