well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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