mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
