I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
