Is it because I queefed?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
