Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
