So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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