my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
nutella sex= disaster
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
