shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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