There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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