So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
