I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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