my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
