I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
Someone shit on the floor
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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