The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
