I showed him my bush... on skype.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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