Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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