he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
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