I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
