So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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