She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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