All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
