Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
