Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
This show inspires me to have sex in space
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
this is an emotional support booty call
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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