You're a womanizer and a bitch.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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