Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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