i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Randomize
