I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Randomize
