I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
