i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
