Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
