if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
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My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
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I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
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