Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
