My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
