just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
