I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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