Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
don't judge my taste in strippers
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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