Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
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So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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