you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
