I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
