Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Dicks are not precious.
Randomize
