the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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