It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
May the power of my ass compel you!!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
