I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
