You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
