She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Randomize
