So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
