i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
