The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
