so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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