The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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