it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
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