my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
